Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
