Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
