The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
