If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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