i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
