Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
