You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
