Need sex. Gaining weight.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
