evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
