Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
