Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
