so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
