Can i not drive my cunt home
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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