soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
