Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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