she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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