just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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