Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
