We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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