There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
