So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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