The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
