Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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