Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
