i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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