Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
