Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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