K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
