GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
