i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
