That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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