the new term for farting is butt boxing.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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