I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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