I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
