now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
