meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
