I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
