the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
