Slut skills are useful in every country.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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