Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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