I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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