I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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