textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
