those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
