I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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