The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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