nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
