Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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