I could have mohawked her pubes.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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