I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
