I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
