she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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