Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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